I love walking in the rain because nobody will know I am crying
Only today I realised that I cannot sleep away my problems like how I used to already. I would say it is half good and half bad. The good thing is I won't be able to run away, instead face it and the bad thing is, I have sleepless night. My mind keeps wandering leaving my eyes wide open. I supposed it is because you are becoming more important to me? who will know but myself.
Remember when I asked you if you will think it is a waste if we break up and you said yes whereas I said no? I think it has somehow hurt you but do you understand why I say no?
Even if we break up after being years together, it will definately not be a waste because you've marked my heart and I appreaciate it for we've given each another a chance to be lovers and learn how to feel each another's heart and to have taught each another different meaning of lives. I remember it wasn't love when we got together but slowly I found myself in love with you, I adore your humanity and personality but you know how we only reveal our true colours after a long period? I feel that you don't understand me, you don't take good care of me well, you don't pamper me, you don't let me win even when I'm wrong and you don't have the same taste as me and I started to feel agony. But the fact is, I'm selfish. I wish for more and I wish you could be up to my expectations. I admit that I've never really put myself in your shoe and feel your pain but I really did try to and fail. I can't control my mind and I'm always at the state of ambiguity and i know whenever I fall into a dilemma situation, the devil always win. I permit him to play with my mind and left myself suffer even more. So what if I know I'm wrong? I'll always think that I shouldn't be making the first move.
Besides that, I'm very bad in controlling my emotions. If only crying is a crime then I would forbid myself from tearing. I didn't know even this relationship could make me cry so many times when I thought I've found someone who will not let me cry but I know clearly that this is impossible. There won't be anyone at all who dares to make a promise to me on this because everyone knows I'm such a cry baby.
I cry when my dad scolds me, I cry when my brother doesn't want to let me watch the tv, I cry during departures, I cry when you ignore me, I cry more when you don't care, I cry when I feel lonely, I cry when I hear back songs like "she will be loved"and "over and over again", I cry when I feel that everyone has turned their backs to me, I cry when I have no one to run to, I cry when I miss my mum(last time), I cry when I've gotten all ready, even with my make up on and you cancelled everything, I cry most when I feel disappointed and realised that my tears are nothing to you, I cry when you walk away from me, I also cry when I notice there is still somebody who cares, I cry when I feel disgraced, I cry for too many little reasons.
I cry just too many times infront of you and I'm starting to feel really stupid because I don't think you feel the pain when I cry. I turn around when I cry, I walk away when I cry and whatever I do, I just don't want to cry infront of you anymore. Itz silly how I always say so but I will fall short. I'm still waiting for the day to come when you tell me you won't let me cry anymore. My tears are worthless already.
When I was walking in the mall, seeing a small kid holding on to his mother hand, I felt so envious. It was then when I hoped you could at least cheer me up with a lollipop.
Should I kiss dating goodbye, again?
pangkor
Usually when I return from a trip I wouldn't miss home much and would even feel a little sad that I am home. But this time is different when I return from Pangkor, I feel so happy for being home again. I reached home during evening and got in time for dinner. The smell of my dad's cook made me go oh la la and I really think that my dad is a good cook. He started to learn cooking when my mom left and that time all he knew was plain bland dishes. And now, he is comparable to a big chef! =P
So anyways, Pangkor was overall fun but the beach there is nothing compare to Redang and snorkeling in Pangkor is like snorkeling in a toilet bowl full of shits =P Really!! The corals in Pangkor are like huge brown rocks similar to shit and nothing more except for plenty of sea cucumbers. I remember Shal once said that sea cucumber looks like man’s asset. haha
And there were only small beats of waves, why eyh ?
And you know what, I’m 10 tones darker!! Damn it!! All because of the tanning oil and I got myself uneven tones of color! Come see me and you will know I am not bluffing. I was so smart to put tanning oil when everybody else were applying 50spf sun block =S anybody wanna buy me whitenning cream for my birthday?
There isn't much to blog bout Pangkor, so some of the pictures here might tell you more stories =)
One big happy family =) All 26 of us conquered the whole bus =)
Bi~'s parents
Urgh.. I forced that smile...(nah) We were at some fish factory..
Come on Bi~ not in public! gimme some face k?
=P
*xiao it xiao* (smile a little) =)There are more pictures but phtobucket is being an ass..I have 5 subjects all relating to accounts this semester and 2 of the subjects marked the hardest because less than 50% of the senior passed for last sem.. Tell me, am i dead or what? If I don't see any of you guys for the next 16 weeks, you will know why =( My time table is so packed and everytime I return from college I'll feel like sleeping cause too tired. I know this won't be right but i'm still doubting on what I'm doing, wondering if my interest is in this field and that I'm capable in completing what I've started. As easy as it sounds, I should just marry a rich man. lol. (I'm just kidding Bi~)
I REALLY REALLY REALLY wanna eat Baskin Robin this 31st. Anyone? come on =)
bye bye
hey fellow readers!
I won't be blogging for the next 4 days, or more just like how I did not blog for the past 5 days :P a bit the busy lately as college has already started. I'm sorry for not being able to post pictures of my new ride too cause there are some unforseen problems with my pc suite and I don't have a memory card reader. Will share with you all soon. ;)
I'll be leaving for Pangkor in 3 hours time and hoping things will go smoothly. I really hope things will not turn out bad =( oh well, why waste time thinking on such things since we won't know what lies ahead, just don't do wrong or speak wrong. It'll be my first time in Pangkor and so I shall compare it with Redang..the blue blue sea and wide wide sky, not forgotten the high huge rocks! I'm expecting beautiful scenery there as well. I really hope our hotel faces east or west so that we can either admire sun set or rise ^^
Itz going to be an unanticipated trip as I'm going with Bi~ and his maternal family. People I hardly know and share room with someone i don't know at all. Whatever it is I'm hoping for the best and really wish that I can't get and play along with all of them. i shall not let my bi~ bi~ down. =)
I guess that's all for now and before I bid goodbye, i would like to wish SHAL,
A VERY HAPPY DEEPAVALI!!!
totally random the mandom the condom o.O
"FUN FUN FUN!! Me wanna shop shop" is my msn after shopping at One Utama today. My nick says it all. It was really fun shopping and I haven't got enough of it yet. So when's next? Today, we didn't really have enough time to shop and look around though we did spot a few pretty ones. However, time wasn't sufficient for us to think twice. Well, you know..girls..
You know how people usually run out of ideas for friends' birthdays. I'll make it easy for you *winks with tinkles*I want that red scottish skirt from Zara!! I want that MNG shorts (the top as well, if possible ;)) OR the one from Cult! I want another heels, erm two more 1)outings 2)clubbing (wahhaha) !!I want a new pair of comfortable, super super low waist jeans!! I love that denim jacket from Cult too! *eyes shine* oH not forgotten that white long sleeve top from Forever 21 .. Thank you first.OmiGosh, so perasan.. ahaha.. sorry first time SS.So, all because of shopping today I failed to fetch my Bi~ home. I'm really sorry. I don't think I have good planning. Promise no next time okay? My tempura cold and soft dy, not nice dy but I still ate it, oh well..College reopens today and my class commences tomorrow! This sem's time table is pretty tight because I have 5 subjects this sem and 4 days of classes a week and again Monday's offday. Friday's class at 8am so HOW TO GO FOR LADIES NIGHT? grr...nevermind I shall not sleep the whole night though quite impossible :P Oh I can just don't drink right? brilliant!Oh, did I mention that my dad zhg my ride?Yeahh the old, rusty charade! It is recently sprayed with non metallic orangy red colour(itz ugly and freeaking striking!) Now the whole world's gonna think that I'm seeking attention with my ride ="( I would say the interior looks like a sports ride to me now for the newly wrapped red and black cover for the seats. I can see how much efforts my dad has put in for this o' charade and I really do appreciate it, hence, I shall drive it with pride! lols I remember months ago when I watched "Pimp My Ride" with my sister, Li, we would both be fascinated and she would look outside at the o'charade and say "pimp my ride.. pimp my ride" empathatically.. haha.. Picture of my ride will be posted up next..Till then...
"Is there anything you wanna ask?""....no"I wanted to ask how come you didn't give me a goodbye hug?
"Anything you wanna say?""...no"I wanted to talk to you longer but I don't know what to say.
making love out of nothing at all
=) This time I didn't cry, after getting down from the car without a goodbye hug(again). I actually felt silly for being still, sitting there waiting for him to come close and hug me. hah, really silly. And it didn't work, perhaps he hoped I would be the one to make the first move or maybe he thought I didn't need one. Itz really hard you know. Just a small number of girls who actually make first moves and I'm certaintly not one of them, somehow unfortunately. Nevertheless, I managed a smile, a console smile which hopefully works.
When he drove off, I stood there hoping for him to shift to reverse abruptly, make a halt at where he put me down, run towards me and hug me. hah, how silly. nevermind.
Relationships really suck when it goes out of control. So much of compromising needed and not forgotten compatibility between one another. I'm really really astonished with relationships which can last for years and still so lovable with each another. I don't mean married couples because marriage is definately different from being girl and boyfriend. I see a huger commitment you have to possess after a marriage.
sigh.
Did I just do a wrong thing again?
Maybe I should hug you first.
Then things wouldn't turn sour.
Then you wouldn't not answer my calls.
Then I will have good night kiss tonight.
Guess it is gonna be a sleepless night again.
Somebody come save me.
make me smile
As expected, it was a silent journey back home. I've tried to make it up to you everytime when things seem to go wrong but this time I fail, miserably. I know I could make a different by holding on to my temper and be less sensitive but I acted like a princess instead. If I could turn back time, perhaps I would still act foolishly BUT was it really ALL my fault? You don't know what's on my mind and I don't know what's on yours either. All I wanted was a good laugh movie.
It happened twice when I felt you could actually read my mind and those feelings was so good that I've never felt it in a long time already. I would say it was plain coincidence though I hope it is something special between us.
"I want a rich boyfriend" "He has to be charming" "He has to have Tom Cruise's eyes" "No, He must love me with all his heart!" "I must be his first priority" "He has to be good in bed" "He should be understanding esp when I have PMS!" "Taller than me!! DUH!" "At least 6 pacs, 8 would be a plus" "
After today, only I realised all I wanted in you is CARE. I don't want lil lil care. I want you to be very very very caring! And that u're bothered even when I have lil cough, what more now I have bad cough. I'm sorry but I just couldn't stand it when you didn't bother to look at me when I was coughing helplessly and you know why I pushed you away? Because it was too late.
I just want to know if my friends can care me much more than you're able to, am I asking too much if I ask you to show a lil more care? I don't deny that I'm not a caring girlfriend but I'm trying my best already. Perhaps, you've put in a lot of effort as well.
I assured myself that guys are not all the same, but now I'm doubting again.
Can you wipe off the fog layering my eyes?
Cause I can't see clearly anymore...
Can you make my heart skip a beat again?
Cause i don't feel it beating anymore...
Tears welled up in my eyes. I hold on to my breath so they won't gush down endlessly. I really hope you could wipe my tears when I cry, embrace me tight when I feel disheartened. But you disappoint me over and over again. I want to hear you say "I care" cause even if you don't show, your words might heal me.
I'm actually feeling very sleepy and having headache again but I refrained myself from sleeping. For the past few months, I have been sleeping through my problems, hoping that I'll forget everything by the time I wake up the very next morning(...afternoon). But I just don't feel like sleeping today although tomorrow the sun will rise again.
Actually, I don't really feel like sleeping, instead I feel like going out, maybe yum char with a friend and just talk bout everything but relationships. But at this hour, who would wanna answer phone calls? Sometimes, I really don't know who to run to at this hour. All I can think of it ***!!!!.. niasing... urghh.. KILL ME!!
lovely lecturer
I was browsing through Tarc's homepage and found this in the bulletin board posted by my programme supervisor, Ms Ng Yen Hoong. I thought it was rather interesting that her foreseeing is quite wild, hence I'd like to share with ya'll..
Wed, Jul 26, 2006 -- TARC is a non-smoking campus! (",)
Dear students,
Recently, I have bumped into a few students, who smoked in the college campus. For your information, TAR College is a non-smoking campus! Therefore, students are not allowed to smoke within the campus (regardless whether you are at Block R or Block PA or anywhere else).
I'm sure, right now, you are studying for your future, right? Imagine this:
---You have graduated from you studies (Dip + Adv Dip + ACCA)
--- You have started working and are at your peak of your career
---You hold the position of a CEO of a reputable company in Malaysia (or overseas)
---One day, you felt a sharp pain at your chest and went for a check-up. You are diagnosed with lung cancer.
What will you do? You will be regretful of what you have done to your body. Don't say "Aiyah, never mind-lah, I can quit smoking anytime I want...before it's too late!". Oh, really? How do you know when it's too late? And, smoking is addictive. The more you smoke, the more difficult it is for you to stop.
So, help yourself and your beloved family, stop smoking now. And, make TAR College a non-smoking campus.
She's so cute, oh so I think so.. All all her students love her..
Ms. Ng doesn't remember her students' names so when she happens to ask questions she would point at any students and says "you, yellow shirt...." "pink shirt...." "black shirt.....""you, white shirt..." and they will all eventually answer her questions. Then on this one day, a brilliant student came out with an impausible idea by asking everyone in the class to wear black shirt!! Ta-da, Ms Ng was surprised and she went red in the face! ; )
I can drive legally now *proud*
I PASS!!!!!
H E E P H E E P H U R R A Y ! !
H E E P H E E P H U R R A Y ! ! ! ~ ~ ~
So what if u lose your P already? huh? huh? BLEKK!!
i'm sick =(
After Maison on Thursday night, I woke up with a very coarse voice. No, in fact I was awake with NO voice and it eventually turns rough and 'sexy'. "Daymn" I thought but I knew it would happen cause I drink alcohol beverage with a gonna-be sore throat. =( BUT now it gets worst! I have cough and freaking nauseating phelgm! *cries Every now and then I have to "get rid" of the phlegm and it seems like never ending *cries more Today I woke up to find tom yum as lunch my dad readied for me and the thought of every inch of spiciness goes through my throat and that I'm not allowed to eat it makes me cry even louder. ="( wahhh.. I want TOM YUM! I 
TOM YUM !!
I'M CRAVING FOR FRESH TASTY FISHBALLSSS!!
Chill...chill...chil....
So anyways, Maison was great!! Two Thursday night continuosly and that doesn't mean I'm a hard core clubber okay. I just clubbing with my friends ; )
Yesterday's Moon Cake Festival, I celebrated with Bi~ and his friends at SS2, in a park and Daryl's house. We didn't play tanglungs but candles. Anyhow it doesn't bring much meanings anymore since the moon didn't appear all because of the freaking haze and it was a rainy night. Nonetheless, we had a fun night playing "007 BANG!" and Mafia which was a really great game and I shall recommend this game to my friends =) (however, it can get boring if played too many times).
We ended the game at around 5am and got back home at 6am. Needless to say I got up at 4pm.
If it wasn't because Shal called me, I would have totally forgot Ernest's birthday. I knew there was a dinner but somehow it sliped to the edge of my memory. And so I did turn up with Boon along and the dinner was fabulous but pricy. After the dinner, we headed to Caryn house and some havoc was going on. Caryn's blog says it all.
Happy Birthday Ernest Tong!!
To be frank, I don't think birthday celebration is a big deal anymore. Yes, I receiving presents, I reunion, I having all attention for once and I to feel . But as I grow older I don't feel the anticipation anymore though my birthday is drawing near and I don't bother mentioning it to anyone in college. I rather none of them know and that my birthday will just be any other day. I might feel sad and lonely but I know I want this. Actually, the person we really have to celebrate with is our mums as without them we simply don't have birthdays but I don't stand this chance anymore. I hope there will be this one day to come when I spend my birthday with my mum the whole day. We would first wake up for dim sum then spend the whole afternoon doing spa, enjoying, relaxing both body and mind. At night, I would bring her to a posh bistro and both of us would taste delicious recommendations. If only I have the chance but even if I do, I hope I could still feel the existing bond. =) What I want for birthday this year is just to feel great from everyone who remembers my birthday. I will have a small celebration.
me want to be pampered
I can't find proper words to describe my feelings now. Maybe a lil of despair and frustration. Every woman loves to be cheered and pampered, hence I know clearly that I don't run far from this fact. I was an independant child(still is) and am strong to face any challenges ahead but a strong cover could hide the trueself in me. I definately don't need you to buy jewelries to make me smile, neither do u have to pluck down stars for forgiveness. All I need was.... I don't know. Who knows a swarosvki diamond would really make my day. =/
I dislike silence and stillness what more during an arguement because I know I'll always end up weeping. And I SUPER DUPER hate it when my brother goes "are u crying? u crying arh? eyh why la?" when he could already see my eyes red and a huge sign of DND or u die right on my forehead! pppftt.. But obviously, I would just glare and he'll get the signal.
I told myself several hundred times not to be such a cry baby but I just can't hold my tears. There were times when I suceeded by telling myself not to cry, hold on to my tears, breathe in breathe out but later found it terrifying the fact that I just talked to myself. Well, itz not atypical after all. I wish I have the habit of talking to myself so I can pour all to my reflection. Then, the mirror will be my buddy and it will not just play a role reflecting a pretty girl, me. (haks!)
Ahh, I feel much better after some typings =)
Tomorrow will be the same old boring day. sigh. I don't remember when we last dated. =/
*The greatest mistake in your life is that you continually fear that you'll make one
Malacca!
Holler peeps, I'm back from Malacca, one of the many historic places of Malaysia's (yes, I assume you do not know). I wouldn't say the trip was remarkable or fun because we spent quarter of the time looking for affordable stay. However, I was glad to be able to makan makan makan again. From chicken rice balls to taiwan mee to satay luk luk to sushi to asam laksa to chicken rice balls (again, but different place) to satay luk luk(again, different place and fresher) and back in KL, had Kopitiam's nasi lemak before going back home.
On the journey to Malacca, we saw an accident. Bi~ was alarmed only when he saw a white helmet in the air and quickly stopped the car by the road after a rapid agreement on helping from Leslie. I was afraid and stupefied. They(bi~,Leslie and Daryl) hurriedly carry the victim to the road's shoulder to avoid traffic or even the victim being trampled. There were two riders on a motorcycle, I assume the motorist lost his balance or the road was icy. I did have a look at the victim after a long hesitation and couldn't let grip of bi~'s hand. I didn't want to stay in the car alone though it was already raining simply because I started to have wild imagination. After some while, the police came and since we've done our parts, we decided to continue our journey. It was like a dream and till now it doesn't seem like it's happened. When I looked at the victim, I felt really frightened and that was when I knew I was afraid of death. I simply couldn't face it.
Another unforseen accident happened to us which I do not want to share here. Itz just too saddening. Is it really true that cats have nine lives?
The rest of the journey followed by hotel-hunting and a short break at a mamak in Cheng Ria.
The following day, we were joined by the rest and our first stop was Jongker Walk and boy was I disappointed. I would rather go to KL's longest pasar malam at Tmn Connaught and stalls hop. There wasn't many things to see, perhaps more on souvenirs and I don't have a vivid memory on others items. I had asam laksa and sushi for supper as well as satay celup. The next return day, we visited A Famosa and even ride on a trishaw! kewlness to the madness huh? There were 10 of us, each 2 on one trishaw and 5 trishaws moving together-gether =D Though it wasn't a long ride but it sure was satisfying.
A few memorable encounters..
Hotel-hunting-went all over Malacca (almost) more or less stopover 10 hotels.
A VERY not welcoming toilet at the mamak!
We were on a straight road and each traffic light stop we met the same car, Storm for bout 5 times.
The help for the accident.
Bi~'s really loud snore~ =.=
I heard there were a strip poker session? All 3 or 4 guys stripped naked? (daymn, missed it)
Bi~ stole the apartment's pillow.
And last but not least, one bottle of beer was 'left' in the apartment. (nyek nyek nyek)
