dear me
dear diary,
my depression level has rose up by 20 percent today. the weather is rather sunny today due to the change of season, too bad i don't have a sunglasses. a sunny weather carves an image of a garden of blooming sunflowers behind my mind. so lively and full of hope. it's actually not difficult to smile isn't it? beautiful things make me smile, a wider smile when i realise the unintended smile.
not surprisingly, i got up at half past 2 today. yesterday before bed, i promised myself to go out today so the first thing which came to my mind when i opened my eyes this afternoon was not to fall back to sleep. i quickly washed up, dried my hair and had breakfast while watching "1 Litre of Tears" before i get changed and leave for some shopping, supposedly. usually, if i get up after 2, i will most likely stay home since the shops here close at 5. as for thursdays, the shops close at 8. that means going out at 4 is still counted as early =) great. go shopping without having to set alarm to wake up.
why topshop's sale is not like what i expect(want) it to be? =( if i'm not mistaken, today is topshop's first day of sale and the sale items are so-so only. sale but still out of budget. *curse* nice but no size *curse again*
maybe if i'm not a fickle minded and indecisive person, i will be much happier and even healthier. when i have finally decided to buy that black dress and green shoe yesterday, i decided to give it another day of consideration after performing some calculations today.
i went into Dorothy Perkins today and everything is selling at 20percent. excited me went in and started browsing. got attracted by this tank top with small flower details but unreasonable price. i tried on another white long top as well and i instantly became sweeter wearing it but also with unreasonable price. (actually, whatever above 10 pounds is unreasonable to me. sigh) after a long comtemplation, i bought the tank top. despite consoling myself that buying it is no mistake since i haven't bought anything for the past few days, i'm still carrying a slight guilt in me.
dear diary, should i really buy that black dress?
and another day passed
i do not like to eat a whole apple by itself. i rather take by slices. i avoid any chances of eating but when my mum thrusts a readily peeled apple to me, i know i have to eat it. i wished i said "slices will be preferable, mum".
now i have pieces stucked in between my braces. geez. not just apple, this applies to whatever which requires the act of biting off from a whole.
i spoke to my brother yesterday and he said he wants to put on braces. haha.
so my days have became less lively, less entertaining and less movements. every 24 hours, i live in dreamland for at least half of it. when i'm in reality, i either rot at home or courageously lift up my bum and go out for a walk. and i usually go back home feeling depressed for being unable to decide whether or not to buy some stuff. i guess this is the reason i rather stay home and watch series.
i'm starting to watch a new Japanese drama entitlied "1 Litre of Tears". based on reviews i read, this should be a very meaningful and touching drama unlike those Taiwan drama which never fail to slap me back to reality once i watch the last episode. the lead actors always end up living happily ever after.
geeez....
"my prince charming, i can already picture you riding a clean white horse with a Palerma PM *eyes shine* hanging on your hand. if too expensive, i really won't mind a Neverfull GM for starters =D"
i is waiting too long.
*slaps
so today i had an evening walk with my mum down to the Quayside. its like how you have to see the Prague Castle when you're at Prague, you have to see the Gateshead Millienium Bridge when you're in Newcastle. too bad i didn't go to Old Trafford when i was in Manchester. doesn't make much difference anyways since i'm not very much a football fan.
the pictures below are taken during the evening walk. you know, i think i've put on some weight. look at my face! its like, quite chubby compared to last time right?
drinking wine alone
i just took a wee.
and the walk to the toilet is not easing my butt-ache and backache at all. i've never browsed through so many blogs within the last hour. i've been sitting in front of this very old and 'cannot-load-movies' laptop for hours already. and my day is not productive at all unless you say watching movie and onlining are unusual. i warned my mum yesterday that i am going to spend the whole of the day sleeping and so, do not attempt to wake me up and force me to watch tv. if not for her call at 4pm, i swear i would have slept till she comes back with my dinner.
some may not know, my life is really not as happening as it is back in malaysia.
i cannot ring up shal and ask her to go yum char then quickly get changed and leave the house.
my brothers cannot call me and ask me to fetch them from point extreme.
i do not go clubbing here (only went out for ONE drink when i was in Manchester then we returned back to the boy's house and i served myself with another can of carlsberg).
i do not have freshly prepared fruits after dinner unless requested (my dad believes fruits help in digestions and sometimes he would say, "an apple a day keeps the doctor away". i can hear his voice in my head.).
i do not drive here. (i really miss driving and miss filling up petrol at seri petaling's shell station. i never needed to pump petrol myself. the workers must be wondering how come the chic in white wira is now replaced by an old man with aviator sunglasses.)
i miss quarelling with my brothers, throwing all the "dius", "mahai", "chaohai", or combination of both "mahgechaohai" at each another's face.
i miss our new couch!.. daymn..
and if i go on with this, this could be a very long post. so.. i shall digress before i get into "i miss doing house chores". (heck no!)
aproximately a month time, i'll probably be back in malaysia already. i will definately miss my life here once i get back when the familiar surroundings form a wall around me again. i'll have to hit myself back to a typical college life and again (just like every other semester) attempt to go library when i have long breaks. now i'm really praying for a nicely scheduled time table so that i don't have to purposely stay on in college for another hour or so just to avoid blardy traffic jams.
my regular routine here is more or less like this.
wake up. wash up. make-up. get dressed. go out. shop. go back. change to pyjamas. online. watch korean/taiwan drama. mum comes back. eat dinner. online. sleep.
i. am. going. to. miss. this. kind. of. life. lor.
just yesterday, i decided to start learning how to KNIT, yes knitting. and darren laughed at the thought of wearing knitwear back in malaysia. -.- don't care. sadly, my mum's knowledge on knitting is limited to scarf only and i have started to knit a little.
me: what am i knitting? it doesn't look like a scarf at all.
mum: oh. its just a piece of cloth. beginner ma. when u're done i can use it to cover the laptop.
me: o.0 later dusty how?
mum: then throw away lor.
me: WTF? my hard work. dusty. then. throw? eeeyerrr..
mum: *laughs
don't care. i will still complete my piece of knitwork though it certainly
looks like an amateur workpiece.
talking to poh yee now and just gave her my blog add. she said the last time she read my blog was last year. *sad.
makes me wonder how many souls out there are actually bothered to come in to check for updates.
let's see. i have actually finished watching 1 taiwan drama and 5 korean dramas here. and back to taiwan drama again. -.-
if only i brought grey's anatomy here with me. i don't like prison break anymore because sara is dead but i will still wait for season 4 and see what happens to my poor sucre. =P
random stuff.
this will probably be my last post before going to a 4 day trip Prague. a lot of people are stressing about how beautiful and breathtaking this place is. i shall go and judge myself and of course return with loadsa pictures.
btw, did i mention we(sis, ron, mum and i) took 8 hundred over pictures during our trip to london? =) whattodo?
more to say but this much for now
whenever i look back, over my right shoulder i tend to see the mistakes i have done in the past. they seem to be forming a line, tailing me from behind.
i have finished reading "the five people you meet in heaven" by Mitch Albom (was quite shock to find it at my mum's book shelf) 3 days back and it inspires me dearly. it makes me wonder who are the people i have affected and changed their lives and also who are the poeple who have affected me and changed my life. i like the perception the author has on heaven. sometimes, we live on without having answers to the questions we have chucked in the corner of our minds. and heaven has the answers for us all.
few days back, i was having a talk with an old friend of mine. a friend whom i cherish till now despite the distance between us and whom i have neglected back in those days. i believe he is one of the many people i have affected and at the same time, affected by him. lessons were learnt from him and i thank him for that. i am truly glad for that one step i took in saving our friendships.
we really don't have to speak too much of appreciation when everything is well comprehended already. but people still do. i do.
another person has affected my life. this friend of mine has not changed me but has taken a significant role in my life. nobody knows the things we've been through better than we do. i haven't been the best but i will be there at your lowest. =) just ring up aights.
some envy me for where i am now. some think i'm having a blast. i may, but when it turns dark, i ask, will i prefer this or a never broken bond of a mother and daughter?
we tend to earn something when we have lost something before.
just like the saying in the book i read, "one withers, another grow. birth and death are part of the whole." the latter phrase might have digressed too far though.
don't envy me, for you don't know i have envied you all for the past years of my life.
the feeling in me now is just neutral. neither sad, nor happy.
i'm just really grateful for this holiday in the UK. one thing i am for sure, my prayers were answered. i have opened my eyes to so many things, beautiful scenery, foreign surroundings which i have slowly came to familiarize, busy london, irreplaceable touch of a mom where i used to seek in someone else, charcoal dark and starry skies just like back home leaving me nothing but a serene soul, simple friends became more valued, the loved ones missing me as much as i miss them, a dad who will never give up on her daughter despite the thorny words he threw on her face, and at the same time, i have learnt not to doubt on my dad's love.
i know in his eyes, i'm still that small little girl who needs to raise up her hand to reach his.
i miss my brothers. they were really cute right?
i finally made that call. the call i wished to make so many times before but never had the courage to dial.
it wasn't that bad afterall.
thank you for making me feel.... still loved.
i miss you i miss home
