too close to be broken
this is super depressing, undergoing so much of stress and having no one to comprehend at all. i thought you would at least lend a hand, but instead, you just lay down there with your comics. My fingers were so tiring and my brain almost exploded for elaborating and coming out with points. i should be resting my fingers but decided to blog because you're sleeping and there's no one to send me back. how can u sleep and leave me in your room just like that? i'm very thirsty but dare not step out from the room. i wanna go back cause my bro told me my dad is locking the gate tonight but dare not wake you up. you have no idea how u differ much when i try to wake you up. you wouldn't care even if itz me and will simply let out your anger, as though waking you up causes you much pain. i wanted to wait for you to reveal my results to feel the anticipation together but you choose to sleep. perhaps you were tired of waiting for me to finish my assignments as well but you have no idea i feel so much pressure from my mates. i'm expected for this and that. sometimes i feel that itz really not that good being too close. we expect each another to understand each another, hence caring or not is already not a matter. i want to feel commited and not just on going till dunno where. you might expect me to take care of myself but deep inside, i seriously hope you would be my shleter, the person i run to and not the person i cry for. my saliva are drying, i'm getting more thirsty and worst still, having a backache. baby, what should i do to earn your care. i don't wanna be too close to you. i don't wanna be "expected". i hope you would still treat me like a little baby, need to be pampered need to be sayang-ed. i want to realise my wishes with you; i want to watch the sun rise in your arms, i want to lay by the beach and point out our guardian star, the brightest one together, i want to try all the good food with you, i just want to have a happy contented life. i learn that human can never be satisfied. you gimme one, i ask for two. but i try to be satisfied with the one and make full use of it. but if the one is fully utilised shouldn't you be ready with another one? when i lose faith i start to imagine the hands being offered, and itz sad to know that yours isn't there. then i think again, izzit because we're being too close? your phone rang, i hesitated in waking you up. i was afraid you might just slam your hands towards me. like the other day, when i came to wake you up, put myself in your arms but you just didn't feel my presence. you were too tired? i tried to comprehend so i just sit aside and fell asleep by your bed. sigh. i notice your behaviour is changing as the closer we get. you're insensitive with my feelings and it should be because we're too close. the closer i get to you, the more i feel insecurities. such a headache. i just finished my assignments, should be relieved a little but i tend to give myself another headache after another. after the phone call, you tried to fall back to sleep, i heard you told your friend that you're very tired. i'm very tired too. maybe you don't know i was serious bout my dad locking the door, maybe you don't know i'm done with my assignments, maybe you don't know i want to go back and maybe you don't know i'm feeling a heartache that's why you're trying to sleep again. i really did try to comprehend.i look into the empty cup and took the very last droplet os water. that droplet couldn't even drown an ant. should i go down to get water or should i not. your phone rang again and u answered. urgh. i have to make the decision myself. i didn't request you to decide just hoping that you could let me know your opinion.my dad really locked the door.sigh.i need advises. i need guidance. i need you to calm me when i'm angry. when i'm complaining i want you to feel how i was feeling and fully understand but most of the time, you could only sigh along. maybe you really didn't know what to say. maybe you're just like that so i really didn't blame you, i'm just a lil disappointed. you woke up to answer calls and didn't even speak to me, maybe you thought i was still doing my assignments.there's no more excitement to open the envelope of results already. no more. who cares anyways.can you be my guardian angel? i just need you to shine on me when i'm lost.
depressed, am I
I miss listening to music while onlining and I'm doing it right now. I supposed there's something wrong with this comp's graphic card and so, there isn't any sound coiming out. So if I want to listen to music, I'll have to on the other comp, an older version one. You know how we love to ditch the old for a new one? So since my sister, Ling is back(for good, who knows?) and my brothers are on inofficial holidays, we don't have enough computers and one have to use the old one. The other one(usually, me) would either rot or bug them to let me use. But I'm not very keen in onlining nowadays. I've got loadsa college work to do.
I noticed that this sem is passing by very quickly. Its like I can't seem to keep up with the pace. Basically, I'm struggling la. I supposed it was only last year that I started to have severe headache like urgh, I can't input and process anymore. At times, I would have pain on only one side of my head which is similar to needle poking. Guess its all because of stress. Auditing is being a pain in the ass! so are the other subjects =.=
Another factor of my headache is my sister's return. I have been getting so annoyed with her and I just couldn't stand her behaviour. I realised that between us, I only take and not give. I simply can't stand a sight seeing her wearing my tops when I myself wear her clothes and she doesn't quite mind. I don't like her wearing my clothes. Selfish right? Besides that, just because she has exams I have to let her use the car and take lrt. She told me dad allowed so I just had to be fine with it. And the next thing is, my dad said she never mentioned anything bout using the car to him. damn chat diuz right? urgh.. fine again I thought since I remember owing her for what she had done for me. Whenever she asks for a favour, I just had to do for her, forcefully. Forget it, no use whining bout it. Maklumlah, "air dicencang tidak akan putus"
Tomorrow will be my first guitar class! *excited* lol I know I'm quite slow but I've always wanted to learn guitar ever since my friends were learning. I just didn't really have the chance to. Well, itz not too late! But I think itz too late for Salsa *blush* I wanna wanna wanna wanna wanna wanna learn Salsa!! Just hope my bone won't crack during stretch. sigh. Belly dancing, Shal?
The more I type, the more I think, the more depresssed I am!
Do you know how good it feels when you know there is still a person there who will never thought of giving up on you. Come to think of it, I seldom feel good after crying but just a moment ago I did. Sometimes when you are at the stage of despair and just by knowing your girlfriends/friends care will eventually light up your misery and even wet that pair precious.
Your 'humour' really did work *beams
*editted
It was Ladies night on Thursday which was also the final day for Caryn and Poh's finals and so we moved on with the plan. Maison. I really love being wild, ya know but in a well-behaved way, obviously. haha. I was so glad I even had the permission to be wild. There were Shal, Caryn, Poh, Mel and I during that night and we surely did have a fun night despite some unruly sights. I saw this couple dancing and were pratically rubbing on each another. *eww But since they might be couple I had to clear my mind off them.
One thing I dislike about Zouk was the crowd. Yes, it is fun to have a huge crowd dancing together BUT having body to body contact crowd could be a disgust.
This is real story and am I the victim to this nauseating incident. I was happily dancing with my girlfriends in the dancing floor and this blardy man came dancing closer and closer to my back and I could feel his sickening, boisterous piece of SEA CUCUMBER!! eww I tell you f**k I tell you. I WAS BLaRDY DISGUSTED!! and the rest of the story is history. He was so pathetic cause he was getting himself high in the dance floor. Get a BLARDY life!! CCB!!
That's when I started to love the podium even if I have to dance as a show or even if ppl say "what's that girl doing up there?she can't even shake her bum" LIKE F**K I CARE. I love the podium because no guys are allowed. End of story.
I got hit by this one guy during Maison that night and he was asking for my name and number. He insisted eventhough I rejected several times in giving my number. I told him that I would just give you my name and if we ever meet in Maison again, I would consider giving you my number and IF I ever see him again I would say "err, so long as I lived I don't remember you exist in my life" haha I'm so mean but then again he was saying he's from Klang and won't be back in 5 months. Even better. So he took out his pdA and probably thought I would give him by him insisting and by showing off his phone to me. bleh. What I actually thought was "are u gonna buy me a drink?" ahaha. I took his pda and shoo him off by inserting my name and e-mail in his phone. The last thing I heard him said was "you're so bad" =.= oh, I'm sorry.
He wasn't that bad looking and usually when this happen to me, I guess I would give him my number but I kept thinking of my bi~ bi~. haha. Don't perasan ah!
I guess there is an extent to everything when you are in a relationship depending on how you look at it.
I might be going Zouk tonight with Bi~ for some fashion show =D not to dance but probably act cool la huh? lol
